'Tis The Season

Today is Thanksgiving and the official start to the holiday season. I always miss my family and friends more during this time of year, but today is even harder. Today it looks like I'm spending the day without my husband :(. At 7:30 this morning, he woke me up to tell me he had to go in to work. Some pipes froze and burst in one of the buildings at his property (stupid freezing temperatures!). It's now almost noon and we still have no idea when he'll be home. The last I heard from him was a text around 11 to say things weren't going well and he would call me later. Not good. It comes with the job. He is the manager after all and when emergencies happen, he must go. I'm totally supportive of this, but it sucks that it happened today!

So since he's not here and I'm not curled up on the couch in his arms, watching the kids play, I'm instead here.... blogging...

Perhaps this is good time to focus on all the things I'm thankful for :)-

• My children. They drive me bonkers. They wear me out. And I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world!
• My husband. He knows me, he gets me. He can tell what I'm feeling just by looking at me. He surprises me with little thoughtful gifts. He works hard for our family so that I can stay home. He is amazingly supportive and incredibly loving. He is a generous lover, a fantastic father and one of my dearest friends.
• For a good home in a good neighborhood. I can send Amee out to play with the other kids and not worry about being out there to watch every move.
• My friends. They are all awesome in their own ways. Supportive and caring. Over the years they have become like family.
• My family. They push me to the point of insanity, but I am still thankful for them (when the drama is minimal lol).
• Apryl, my younger sister. When we were kids, we didn't really get along. Being 6 years apart, we just didn't have that much in common. Now that we are adults, we have become close friends. I am extremely proud of her and all that she has accomplished.
• Food. I am very thanful to be able to have and cook nutritious meals everyday.
• The gym. My new boyfriend lol. Sometimes I feel like I spend more time there than I do with my husband ;). Along with this, I am very thankful for my trainers who are helping me to become healthier.
• That I learned how to cook when I was a teenager. I think everyone should learn at least the basics, but you'd be surprised how many people can't cook. They rely on mostly frozen dinner, boxed dinners or take out. Such a terrible diet :(. I am very thankful to my stepmom, Shannon, for making sure I learned at least the basics.
• My Furr-babies. I love my kitties. Sure they drive me nuts when they run across me at 4am, but I love them anyway lol.
• Bellydancing. It makes me feel sensual and femine (and it's helping me lose weight).
• Sex! I am extremely thankful for sex ;). Nothing fixes a rotten day faster or relieves stress better!
• My life in general. It's very difficult and stressful at times. Raising a child with a chronic condition is never easy. But I know it could easily be worse and I am grateful everyday for the love that fills my life everyday.

Snow And A Broken TV

This weekend was quite the little adventure. Snow watch at our house started Saturday night, but much to the girls dissapointment, not even a speck fell. In an effort to beat the bad weather, we ran out to Target for some gloves and other minor supplies and then Hubby ran out to Winco and QFC for groceries. Unfortunately he forgot a few things and planned to head out Sunday morning to get them (hoping to beat the snow). It actually began to lightly snow as he was at the store. But then DRAMA! I got up and went to turn the tv on.... Nothing..... No picture at all. I got sound, but no picture. I couldn't even pull up the menu to see if the pictures adjustments had someone gone crazy. Hubby got home and checked all the wires. Still nothing except for hints of deep red in blackness if you bumped the tv just right. Our tv, which we had only had for maybe 2 years, had croaked on us. Oh joy!

I will admit that I rely quite a bit on our tv. In the morning, cartoons help distract Mickey from morning pain and stiffness. In the afternoon I use it for my workouts. Going without would just plain SUCK! So, even with the snow starting to come down harder, Hubby went back out to Target to get a new one. Thankfully the snow only left a light dusting that melted almost instantly, so the roads were still safe. Now we have a pretty new tv. My first HD flat screen. Nothing too expensive, didn't want to break the bank, plus we have a fairly small living room. It was a lot sooner than we planned on buying one, but oh well, life marches on.

Today it's still snowing on and off. Nothing too terrible, we have not even accumulated 1/4 of inch yet, although I have heard some nearby areas have already gotten an inch. See, we live in the weird area called a "convergent zone". Here the weather swirls around in an odd and often unpredictable pattern. Sometimes weather gets trapped outside this swirling and we end up with a milder version than everyone else. Other times the weather gets trapped in the swirling and we end up with more severe weather. Mickey is enjoying pressing her nose to the window everytime the snow starts to fall. I'm trying hard to keep her and the apartment warm, hoping to keep her pain and stiffness to a minimum. That can be hard to do when it's 26 degrees outside. And with this cold, my anxiety level goes up. Because it's below freezing, the snow is sticking, making the road ways icy and slick. I will definitely feel better once Amee is home from school and hubby is home from work.

Oh there you are Perry...

*singing* My nemma, nemma. My nemesis. My nemma nemma. My nemesis.

Okay, I'm done, you can uncover your ears lol. Yes I know, I watch way too much Phineas and Ferb. Can you blame me!?! It's one of the best cartoons with oddly shaped characters to come out in a long time :). "Whatcha doing?", "I know what we're going to do today" and calling anyone that makes a bonehead decision a "Doofenshmirtz" are pretty common place around here.

We all have a nemesis. That consistant villian that always pop ups, pulling out our inner secret agent in an effort to defeat the evil. Mine is my weight. Every day I battle this demon in an effort to improve my health and quality of life. I work out everyday, eat healthy, take vitamins and still my weight can be quite stubborn. Sometimes we need a little help.

Enter- my secret agent. If my weight is my very own Dr. Doofenshmirtz, then I think I may have just found my Perry the Platapus :).

I'm not big on "diet pills". For the most part, 99% of them are crappy scams. I've tried several and usually I got 1 of 2 results- (1) They didn't work, plain and simple; (2) They gave me the jitters so damn bad I could hardly do anything due to the shaking (I also have non-life threating heart palpitations and a lot of those pills would set my heart off like crazy). Plus I hate not knowing exactly what I'm putting in my body. Most of these pills will list their ingredients, but they don't tell you how much is in there or they just call it a "blend". Now your popping a pill without knowing exactly what it is. So when one of my trainers (who also happens to be my nutritionist) recommended I try a product, I was very skeptical. But he's a great trainer (all the ones I've worked with so far have been) and he's never steared me in the wrong direction before.

The products are by Advocare. He told me all about them, including all the ones that he, his girlfriend and adult daughter take. So I checked out the website. It had alot of the stuff I was expecting- lots of raving reviews from clients, endorsements from top athletes (including olympic participants) and some "history" on how and why the product was developed. Typical stuff. The first thing that drew my attention to it was that the website doesn't come off as "pushy". No, "take our product or you'll never ever reach your fitness goals." Compared to other sites, it's simple, well done and to the point. What I really like is that all the products list ALL their ingredients, including how much of the ingredient is in there. For someone like me, who likes to track exactly what I'm taking (so I know what's working and what's not and when and what need to be increased or decreased) this is a HUGE plus. And the prices were not way over the top. They are by no means the cheapest line of products I've ever seen, but they are not even close to the most expensive either. I'm a big believer in that if you buy "cheap" products than that is exactly what you are going to receive. So I have no problems paying a bit more for quality as long as I can see that better quality is what I'm actually getting. That's why I like how honest Advocare is. By putting every ingredient on the label INCLUDING how must of it is in there, you know exactly what you are getting.

Now of course they encourage you to buy a large range of their products, what company wouldn't. But like I said before they aren't pushy about it. My trainer (he and his girlfriend are "distributors") are not pushy either. He encouraged me to try one or two products at first and then if I liked them, then I could add to it. Or not. Totally laid back about it, which I like. Nothing pushes me away from a product faster than a pushy salesman. I explained to him that I didn't want to blow a bunch of money on this, after all I'm already paying for a gym membership and training, but I was definitely getting super frustrated with my extremely slow progress. So he recommended trying 2 of the products- the 10 day cleanse and Thermoplus (to help my stagnant metabolism). The total for both, with shipping, was about $70 (that's the price of just one bottle of some of these bogus "miracle" diet pills). Since I'm already on a steady workout regiment and have a very healthy diet, he figured these two products would be the best for me at this time.

So after talking to hubby about it, I decided to try it. If I hated it, then I was only out the $70 dollars, so why not. I've definitely justified more expensive crap in the past for the same reason. I started the 10 cleanse. It natural, safe and very gentle (no rushes to bathroom lol). In fact, because I eat so healthy anyway, I really didn't feel much change. The amount of fiber in it did make me gain 2 pounds. That irritated me, but I found out other had the same issue. It was only 10 days, so I stuck with it. The cleanse has some good natural detox stuff, which helps your body start to push out some of that junk that can accumulate in your fat, making the fat burning later a little easier and safer (since you have now limited the amount of stored up toxins being released). It also has a really good probiotic in it. I LOVE probiotics and I'm real big on taking them. I will admit, this is one of the better ones I've found in a long time. The probiotics help repair any damage to your digestive system by restoring good bacteria, making absorbtion of essential vitamins and minerals more effective.

After the cleanse I started the Thermoplus. Now this is the pill that my trainer raved about the most. He's not big on "diet pills" either, but he said he saw some real changes in his clients that took it. Again, I was super skeptical at first, but I thought why not. First thing I liked, they keep it simple. There are only 5 ingredients. That's it! Not a huge laundry list of junk I can't pronounce, just 5 simple ingredients. And just like everything else, they tell you how much of each ingredient is in there. So I started taking it about a week ago and already I've seen a huge change. I've lost 3 pounds (puting my total weight loss to date at 18 pounds)! That's amazing for me!!! They don't make me jittery at all, in fact I can still take my B-complex vitamin and have my coffee and still no palpitations or shakey shakies. I do feel the boost in energy, but not in a bad "bouncing off the walls" way. I mostly feel it during my workouts and in the evening, when I usually start to feel blah and sluggish. I've also noticed that when I do a good intense workout, it doesn't wear me down as bad as it used to. At the same time, it doesn't make me feel like super woman, so I don't push myself so hard that I end up hurt. It just seems to take the edge off that post workout fatigue. Only time will tell if Thermoplus will continue to be my saving grace, but for now, the help from it is most welcome. I don't consider it to be a "miracle" pill (although that is something I've heard others refer to as). I work my butt off everyday! I just got tired of working so hard and feeling like I was just being constantly pushed back. This has helped me defeat the platuea I was stuck on for almost 2 months and has given more confidence to continue my journey to a healthier me.

So if weight and fat are my Doofenshmirtz then Thermoplus is my Perry (and I guess that would make Advocare the agency lol). I am proud of what I have accomplished so far and of how hard I have worked and I am not ashamed at all to admit I needed a little help. Sometimes we all do. Some get help through surgery or from a prescription. Some only need a trainer. And then there are those that don't need anything but a gym. I need a little extra help and I've learned that that is okay.

SIDE NOTE- I have the most amazing and supportive husband and friends! They have been there for me since day one, showing love and encouragement. They also are sure to remind me that I am beautiful and check in with me to make sure I'm doing this in a safe and healthy way. This is so so so very important to being successful with weight loss. I want to let you guys know that I do not have unrealistic expectations. I have no desire to be a size 6 or smaller (if it does happen, it will simply be because I will be lean and healthy, I have no desire to look like a skeleton). In fact, it doesn't even bother me if I never reach the single digit sizes at all. I would be perfectly happy in some size 10 jeans :). I am doing this for my health (obesity related illnesses run high in my family) and because I want to have the energy and ability to be the absolutely best mom and wife possible. Having a child with a chronic illness means that sometimes I need to be the strong one. I need to be healthy and strong, so that I can take care of my family. Thank to everyone for your love and support. You guys are my rock and I really don't know what I would do without you! Love and hugs all around!!!

Blah, Blah, Effing Blah

Ya, I forgot about the blog again. No big surprise there! It's just been a bit hectic. I'm battling the weight loss demon in an everlasting pushing-the-boulder-uphill disaster. Actually, if I was in fact pushing a boulder uphill, I would probably drop the weight a lot faster. It's a major struggle for me. I eat really well, no junk food (haven't had a french fry in months), lots of fresh fruits and veggies, low cal smoothies, well balanced meals, working out 6 or 7 days a week ( 60-90 minutes of cardio everyday and 30-60 minutes of circuit/weight training at least 3 days a week) and I'm still getting no where fast.

Mickey has been an absolute handful lately. She has gone back to fighting me on the naps and not sleeping well at night. She was doing so well for awhile, but ever since Halloween, she's been a walking nightmare. I fight with her all afternoon trying to get her to go to sleep, then she's restless all night because she didn't get as much activity. If I do let her up without her actually sleeping, she is irritable and defiant and by 5 or 6 o'clock, complete melt-down. I'm at my witts end and about ready to pull my hair out. I'm back to crying everyday because I just don't know how to help her and she is wearing me down. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on my workouts because I'm constantly thinking about having to go back home and deal with her all over again. And then the next day she wakes up cranky and usually with a fever, because she's just not getting enough sleep and we go through the cycle all over again.

And then there is all the home stuff to do. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, all the fun stuff that piles up day after day. It's never ending. I am thankful to have a wonderful husband that helps me out when he can, but M-F, it's pretty much all me and when you pile this on top of dealing with Mickey and still making sure I make time for Amee, it's pretty freaking exhausting (and of course, I don't sleep much, so that just slaps on another layer).

I know I'm pretty much whining at this point, but I've got to get it off my chest somehow. I'm tired of being fat, feeling like a failure, feeling tired, overworked and under-appreciated, feeling helpless and sometimes down-right lonely. But life marches on, although sometimes it feels it's marching right across your back.

Oops!

I forgot about my blog for a few days, lol. I swear sometimes my daughter's Fibro Fog transfers over to me. Somedays I feel lucky just to remember what my name is. My life is consumed by the needs of others. Not exactly what I dreamed about as a little girl. I've always put the needs and wants of other before my own. Old habits are hard to break. At least I've learned to take a couple of hours for myself. The gym has become my hide away, my escape. My favorite time is the 15-20 minutes I spend in the sauna. I put on my music (usually the Evanescence, sometimes the soundtrack to Alice in Wonderland; I like dark music), turn off the light, lay down, close my eyes and let myself drift into the peaceful darkness of my mind. Sometimes I think about my friends, wishing I was with them, other times I drift down memory lane and occasionally I just let my mind go blank, but thats hard to do.

It's not that I don't like my life, I'm very happy with it. I have a wonderful husband, who has a good job. I have two beautiful little girls. My friends are wonderful and my family is at least tolerable most of the time. After 20 years of my sister and I barely getting along and not having much in common, we are now close. I have a lot of good things in my life and in general, I am a happy bubbly person. But there are times, especially when I lay in bed and my thoughts travel into the realm of woulda-shoulda-coulda, I think- how did I get here. How did the young ambitious girl who dreamed of traveling the world as a marine biologist, become a stay-at-home-mom (with no career to even fall back on). What's that saying? "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." NO KIDDING!

FOOD!

I'm sitting here, 11:30 at night, smelling the chocolate cake I made for Amee that is cooling. So I thought, hey a blog about CAKE!!!! No just kidding. This is actually about food and my battle to overcome it.

As a kid and teenager, I was able to eat anything I wanted and still remained slender. I never learned how to eat properly. When I became an adult I started to realize this (especially after gaining so much weight with Amee). I didn't think I ate that bad, but really I was lying to myself. So here is how I overcame food, maybe it will help someone else :)

1. Stop lying to yourself! So very important, especially when trying to track calories, sugar, sodium, fat, etc. Be totally honest and think about everything you put in your mouth. Don't slam a handful of cookies and then tell yourself you have no idea why you can't lose weight. Get rid of the junk and start buying more produce. Try new things, find what you like (and get some really good, healthy, low cal dressings, trust me they will save your sanity).

2. Don't rationalize the junk. 3 things to ask yourself before you decide on that Big Mac and fries. Do you want it? Do you need? Can you live without it?
    -If you want it, ask yourself why, then see if there is a healthier alternative (even if it means just cutting out the fries or swapping them for apples w/ carmel)
    -Chances are you don't need it. If your hungry, eat, but make it good. If you're going splurge, make sure it is just a splurge and not a binge.
    -You need food to live, but you don't need junk food to live.

3. Keep a food journal. I kept a mental one, but some may find it helpful to write it down. Write down every single thing you eat, then record how it makes you feel. Do you feel bloated, irritated, tired? Do you feel full or stuffed? Are you hungry again in 30-60 minutes? Write it all down and evaluate what is working and what isn't.

4. "I can't live without my carbs" I used to say this too. You CAN live without your carbs, but you're addicted. Break the addiction. Go 2 weeks with no carbs (or at least no wheat) and see how you feel. I'm not saying you can never have carbs, but you can be smart about it. I still eat bread sometimes and we have pasta sometimes 2-4 times a month. I don't count carbs at all, doesn't even cross my mind, but I don't make them a main staple either. You CAN live without carbs, trust me :).

5. "I don't like (insert healthy food here)". Totally understand. I don't like fish, unless it's bear battered, fried and served with tarter sauce.  But don't make the assumption that you don't like certain foods right away. Detox the junk, then start trying new stuff again. Research on how to pick produce and try it several times (it can take up to 7 times to learn to like something). Once you clean out your system and your tastebuds have a chance to repair themselves, you may be surprised just how different everything taste.

6. Splurge! Find some healthy alternatives for the worst of your forbidden treats and allow yourself to have some others that aren't so bad (my indulgence is sugar free pudding and sugar free apple cider). Let yourself have treats. If you constantly deny yourself, you are setting yourself up for some serious binging later. Just remember, a splurge should be one meal or one snack, not the whole day (that is binge-ing, so is "splurging" everyday).

7. Do your research. I recommend reading the Eat This, Not That books and articles. They helped me so much. It's a huge wake up call when you find out that dinner out was equal to eating 10 Big Macs. They also give you healthier options and ways to order some  of your favorites in a healthy way. I can't even think about Cheesecake Factory without gagging a little now.

8. Read the labels. The whole thing! From Calories down to ingredients. If you don't know what the ingredients are, look them up (you'd be surprised how many different names there are for sugar and wheat). Also pay careful attention to serving sizes. A lot of companies try to make themselves look better by putting ridiculously small serving suggestions on the label.

9. If you didn't make it, don't trust it and all salads are not created equal. Basically, be careful of "healthy" sounding foods (like salad) that are loaded with as many calories as massive binge fest at Burger King. A lot of your favorite restaurant recipes can be made at home for less money and less trauma to your waistline. Also be aware of the "healthy" sounding stuff you may have at home that could damage your efforts. Again, read the labels. Does that granola bar really sound healthy with 20+ grams of sugar. Trade it for a plain yogurt (sweeten with Stevia or your own favorite sweetner, just not sugar) with low fat low sugar granola. Or have a smoothie. Smoothies made at home are wonderful for you (and they taste indulgent). And be very careful with dried fruits. A lot of them have added sugar and chemicals and think about this - how many grapes does that handful of raisins equal? It would be better just to have the grapes.

10. Move. Workout, dance with your kids, chase them down the hall, walk to the mailbox, park far away from entrances, etc. Just get up and start moving. If you feeling tired, try a workout and see how you feel afterwards. Don't push yourself to hard in the beginning, you don't want to injure yourself.

11. Getting upset is okay, just don't give up. I have had days where I come home from the gym and cried, but I keep going. I know what I'm doing is going to help me in the long run. Take your time. Results don't happen over night. Don't be too hard on yourself. Losing weight is hard and there are going to be speed bumps along the way.

12. Don't crash/fad diet. They don't work! The ones that do are only temporary. Once you go back to your old eating habits, the weight will come back. Change your lifestyle and the way you eat. You don't need to starve to lose weight. In fact, I eat every 2-4 hours (and good stuff too, no rice cakes or cabbage soup for me).

13. The most important one, at least for me. Get a good support group. Whether it's friends, family, a trainer, a weight loss group, etc., just get the support you need. People that will encourage you, but be tough enough to keep you on track.

14. Drink water! Extremely important. Cut out the soda too. I know it's hard. It took me about 2 weeks before I stopped having the "Man I could really go for a soda" urges. You can do it and you will feel better. Don't like water? Try getting filters for you tap, buying flavor pouches or bottles flavored water. Just get more H2O into your system. You're body will thank you!

Well, I know there is more, but now I'm ready for bed. Good luck and remember, beauty comes from within too.

When Mommy Is Not Happy, NOBODY Is Happy!

Beware of rampaging mother! You've been warned lol!

But honestly it's not my fault. My cycle and hormones are all out of whack (again! This has been happening since I was 15 and to this day, I still can't get a straight answer from a doctor about why it happens). I take an herbal suppliment that helps to balance out my mood swings, but it does nothing to help the mess that my cycle has become. I haven't had a real period in about 2 months. Oh yes, I know "Lucky, wish I wasn't having a period". Ya ya ya, I here this all the time and let me tell you, it's annoying as HELL! I have this problem on and off, always have. When it happens I have all the joys of period (cramps, back pain, swelling, mood swings, etc), just little to no bleeding. This may sound like a better option, but let me tell you, it's so not. Now I will spend the next however many weeks/months wondering when my period will decide to show up (and usually it's at the worst possible moment, like at the gym in the middle of a workout). I will have random spotting and of course the pain, that comes and goes as it pleases, is always a fun fest.

I'm sure it's caused by stress and losing weight and stress (did I mention the stress?). There has been a lot going on lately and while I've managed to keep a pretty good attitude about everything, my stress level is pretty high. I am extremely frustrated with trying to lose weight (and an out of whack cycle does not make THAT any easier either) and being all crazy emotional doesn't help. So sometimes I snap and then everyone's upset, which upsets me even more and then everyone else and around and around and around we go. Oh joy. Oh yes, and no medical insurance, so I can't hop on down the doctor's office either. Another stress factor. Awesome.