Insomnia- The Sanity Killer

What's worse than an adult with insomia? A child with insomnia!

Last night I was feeling great. I started using an energy suppliment recommended by my trainer, along with a suppliment to help maintain and recover my muscles after a hard workout. So after my workout, I felt fantastic! I got home about 9:20pm and jumped in the shower. After my wonderful shower, I called for the hubby to.... um..... join me in the bedroom ;). And that's when I heard it, a little voice calling "Mommy" from the girl's bedroom. CRAP! The girls go to bed between 8 and 8:30, it was now after 9:30 and Mickey had already take 5mg of melatonin. But when I opened the door, there she was all bright eyed and way too awake for 9:30 at night. We convinced her to go back to bed and I hoped that would be the end of it. But an hour later she was complaining of needing to use the bathroom.

After that, I figured she has to be too exhausted to stay awake any longer. But of course, now I'm all worried about her and not tired myself. I took my melatonin around 11ish hoping sleepiness would soon follow. Coming up on midnight I decide to call it quits. I turn on the monitor and I hear Mickey talking. SHE WAS STILL AWAKE!!!! I gave her a second melatonin and remind her to be quiet and go to sleep (the last thing I needed was her waking up Amee).

The rest of the night was pretty much me listening to her toss and turn, causing me to toss and turn as well. I'm thinking it's highly unlikely we got more than 2 hours of sleep. Oh well, such is life I suppose :/. Tonight is another night and hopefully it will be filled with peaceful silence and blissful dreaming.

Our Reality (Sometimes It Just Plain Sucks!)

I have neglected my blog. My mind has been elsewhere lately. On December 5th we took the kids out to see Tangled. Adorable movie! Absolutely worth the small fortune it costs for 4 people to go see a movie at the theater. It was also Mickey's first time seeing a movie in the theater and she loved it :). Unfortunately, since then she just hasn't been herself. I don't know if it's just a coincidence or from sitting in one place for so long, or being out in the wet and cold, or from the excitement of seeing a movie or possibly a combination of all those things. Since that evening she has had a fever on and off (up to 100.8), more stomach pain than usual and her appetite has been all over the place (she'll complain being hungry, take two bites and then say she's full and other times she eats just fine). It's been a couple of months since she's had a flare up that lasted more than a couple of days.

The stomach pain really had us worried earlier this week. Usually her pain is located around her belly button and is fairly mild (I figure it's probably usually gas, but because of her sensitivity to pain it feels uncomfortable). She doesn't complain too much. She'll tell me it hurts and then move on. But on Monday she was complaining about it hurting alot and also was saying that her right hip hurt. I didn't think much of it, figured it was just joint pain from all the wet weather we've been having. But her appetite was weird. She didn't even want to eat her favorite dinner. Tuesday morning she still had the pain and a low grade fever. I asked her to show me where her hip hurt. Turns out it was actually her abdomen that hurt, just above the right hip. So I pressed on it and she was almost instantly in tears. CRAP!

So now I'm losing it a bit. Of course my first thought was appendicitis. It would be most parents first thought when their child presents with low grade fever and intense pain in the right lower quadrant of the abdomen. But now I'm conflicted. She will usually run low grade fevers with a bad flare and she has some kind of abdominal discomfort every day. So what do I do? Is this unusual enough to warrant an ER trip or am I simply overreacting to a bad flare?

Well, long story short- I asked hubby to come home early and we spent 2+ hours at our clinic's urgent care. Blood test did not show any infection, so no ER. Thank goodness! But now I sit back and think "This is it. This is my life". My daughter has a chronic condition and it will always make deciding what is "unusual" very difficult. The idea that we have to figure what is "normal everyday pain" makes me want to crawl into bed and cry myself into a coma. And sometimes even her "normal" pain will present itself in a way that throws us off. And I have wonder if this flare was set off by what was supposed to be a fun family outing. Is 1 day of fun worth a week of her being miserable?

And now I'm feeling super guilty about telling Ryan to relax when he got upset about 3 weeks ago. We had decided to run errands together, get everybody out of the house. We just planned to go to Target and Winco. But, as soon as we started to get ready to go out, Mickey got cranky. Her temp went up and she was grumpy and easily irritated or upset. By the time we got to Target, she had completely shut down on us. She is sensitive to the bright overhead light and loud noises (since it was pretty crowded, it was very noisy), it sets off what I can only describe as an anxiety like panic attack, which flares up her Fibro . She was flushed, warm to the touch and was complaining of a headache behind her left eye. She used my jacket as a blanket and spent the whole time there looking pretty damn miserable. Ryan also has some mild anxiety in overly crowded places, so the two them were just making each more uncomfortable. I asked him to take us home so that I could put her down for nap and then he could go to Winco alone. He was understandably upset about the change in plans, especially since lately it seems like we're always changing SOMETHING because of how Mickey is feeling. I tried to tell him "this is just how it is. Sometimes she'll do well, sometimes she won't. Unless we want to go back to not taking her anywhere, we just have to learn to adjust to it." Now I'm attempting to tell myself the same thing. We have to learn to be incredibly flexable and to accept that sometimes plans will have to be adjusted or even cancelled all together.

I would love to say it's easy. That we are all incedibly understanding and accommadating. But it's hard. It's hard damn near everyday. Even the good days can have a gray cloud of "how long will it last" hovering overhead. I do my best to stay positive, to be the "strong one". But I don't always succeed. I admit that my new favorite spot to tear up a little is when I'm by myself in the sauna at the gym. For a short time I'm all alone, no one around to be strong for, no one to see me be weak and pathetic. People tell me how wonderful I am, what a good Mom I'm being, how strong and "together" I must be. I'M NOT! I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and while I do a good job (most of the time) of putting out a positive attitude, inside I feel anything but. I'm scared, sad, angry, resentful and often I feel like a total failure. But I'll put on my smile and struggle through it. "Fake it till you make it", right?

Hopefully things will be better once we move. The dryer, warmer climite could help her symptoms a lot. And it will be nice to be near friends and family. To have some help when we are both feeling overwhelmed. To have friends that are caring and understanding that sometimes plans may need to be adjusted, rescheduled or cancelled. To have more people around me so that the job of providing comfort and adult interaction does not all fall onto my husband. To have more time to spend "just the two of us" and more time to spend apart ;) (don't get me wrong, I love my hubby dearly, but sometimes you need to do fun stuff APART and we don't really get much of that).

How could you not just love this face! This was back when her Fibro was just starting to get really bad, before we had to cut her hair super short because of her headaches.

Learning to adjust! She decided she didn't want to wear her costume because i was too cold. But she was still my cute little bug!
         

'Tis The Season

Today is Thanksgiving and the official start to the holiday season. I always miss my family and friends more during this time of year, but today is even harder. Today it looks like I'm spending the day without my husband :(. At 7:30 this morning, he woke me up to tell me he had to go in to work. Some pipes froze and burst in one of the buildings at his property (stupid freezing temperatures!). It's now almost noon and we still have no idea when he'll be home. The last I heard from him was a text around 11 to say things weren't going well and he would call me later. Not good. It comes with the job. He is the manager after all and when emergencies happen, he must go. I'm totally supportive of this, but it sucks that it happened today!

So since he's not here and I'm not curled up on the couch in his arms, watching the kids play, I'm instead here.... blogging...

Perhaps this is good time to focus on all the things I'm thankful for :)-

• My children. They drive me bonkers. They wear me out. And I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world!
• My husband. He knows me, he gets me. He can tell what I'm feeling just by looking at me. He surprises me with little thoughtful gifts. He works hard for our family so that I can stay home. He is amazingly supportive and incredibly loving. He is a generous lover, a fantastic father and one of my dearest friends.
• For a good home in a good neighborhood. I can send Amee out to play with the other kids and not worry about being out there to watch every move.
• My friends. They are all awesome in their own ways. Supportive and caring. Over the years they have become like family.
• My family. They push me to the point of insanity, but I am still thankful for them (when the drama is minimal lol).
• Apryl, my younger sister. When we were kids, we didn't really get along. Being 6 years apart, we just didn't have that much in common. Now that we are adults, we have become close friends. I am extremely proud of her and all that she has accomplished.
• Food. I am very thanful to be able to have and cook nutritious meals everyday.
• The gym. My new boyfriend lol. Sometimes I feel like I spend more time there than I do with my husband ;). Along with this, I am very thankful for my trainers who are helping me to become healthier.
• That I learned how to cook when I was a teenager. I think everyone should learn at least the basics, but you'd be surprised how many people can't cook. They rely on mostly frozen dinner, boxed dinners or take out. Such a terrible diet :(. I am very thankful to my stepmom, Shannon, for making sure I learned at least the basics.
• My Furr-babies. I love my kitties. Sure they drive me nuts when they run across me at 4am, but I love them anyway lol.
• Bellydancing. It makes me feel sensual and femine (and it's helping me lose weight).
• Sex! I am extremely thankful for sex ;). Nothing fixes a rotten day faster or relieves stress better!
• My life in general. It's very difficult and stressful at times. Raising a child with a chronic condition is never easy. But I know it could easily be worse and I am grateful everyday for the love that fills my life everyday.

Snow And A Broken TV

This weekend was quite the little adventure. Snow watch at our house started Saturday night, but much to the girls dissapointment, not even a speck fell. In an effort to beat the bad weather, we ran out to Target for some gloves and other minor supplies and then Hubby ran out to Winco and QFC for groceries. Unfortunately he forgot a few things and planned to head out Sunday morning to get them (hoping to beat the snow). It actually began to lightly snow as he was at the store. But then DRAMA! I got up and went to turn the tv on.... Nothing..... No picture at all. I got sound, but no picture. I couldn't even pull up the menu to see if the pictures adjustments had someone gone crazy. Hubby got home and checked all the wires. Still nothing except for hints of deep red in blackness if you bumped the tv just right. Our tv, which we had only had for maybe 2 years, had croaked on us. Oh joy!

I will admit that I rely quite a bit on our tv. In the morning, cartoons help distract Mickey from morning pain and stiffness. In the afternoon I use it for my workouts. Going without would just plain SUCK! So, even with the snow starting to come down harder, Hubby went back out to Target to get a new one. Thankfully the snow only left a light dusting that melted almost instantly, so the roads were still safe. Now we have a pretty new tv. My first HD flat screen. Nothing too expensive, didn't want to break the bank, plus we have a fairly small living room. It was a lot sooner than we planned on buying one, but oh well, life marches on.

Today it's still snowing on and off. Nothing too terrible, we have not even accumulated 1/4 of inch yet, although I have heard some nearby areas have already gotten an inch. See, we live in the weird area called a "convergent zone". Here the weather swirls around in an odd and often unpredictable pattern. Sometimes weather gets trapped outside this swirling and we end up with a milder version than everyone else. Other times the weather gets trapped in the swirling and we end up with more severe weather. Mickey is enjoying pressing her nose to the window everytime the snow starts to fall. I'm trying hard to keep her and the apartment warm, hoping to keep her pain and stiffness to a minimum. That can be hard to do when it's 26 degrees outside. And with this cold, my anxiety level goes up. Because it's below freezing, the snow is sticking, making the road ways icy and slick. I will definitely feel better once Amee is home from school and hubby is home from work.

Oh there you are Perry...

*singing* My nemma, nemma. My nemesis. My nemma nemma. My nemesis.

Okay, I'm done, you can uncover your ears lol. Yes I know, I watch way too much Phineas and Ferb. Can you blame me!?! It's one of the best cartoons with oddly shaped characters to come out in a long time :). "Whatcha doing?", "I know what we're going to do today" and calling anyone that makes a bonehead decision a "Doofenshmirtz" are pretty common place around here.

We all have a nemesis. That consistant villian that always pop ups, pulling out our inner secret agent in an effort to defeat the evil. Mine is my weight. Every day I battle this demon in an effort to improve my health and quality of life. I work out everyday, eat healthy, take vitamins and still my weight can be quite stubborn. Sometimes we need a little help.

Enter- my secret agent. If my weight is my very own Dr. Doofenshmirtz, then I think I may have just found my Perry the Platapus :).

I'm not big on "diet pills". For the most part, 99% of them are crappy scams. I've tried several and usually I got 1 of 2 results- (1) They didn't work, plain and simple; (2) They gave me the jitters so damn bad I could hardly do anything due to the shaking (I also have non-life threating heart palpitations and a lot of those pills would set my heart off like crazy). Plus I hate not knowing exactly what I'm putting in my body. Most of these pills will list their ingredients, but they don't tell you how much is in there or they just call it a "blend". Now your popping a pill without knowing exactly what it is. So when one of my trainers (who also happens to be my nutritionist) recommended I try a product, I was very skeptical. But he's a great trainer (all the ones I've worked with so far have been) and he's never steared me in the wrong direction before.

The products are by Advocare. He told me all about them, including all the ones that he, his girlfriend and adult daughter take. So I checked out the website. It had alot of the stuff I was expecting- lots of raving reviews from clients, endorsements from top athletes (including olympic participants) and some "history" on how and why the product was developed. Typical stuff. The first thing that drew my attention to it was that the website doesn't come off as "pushy". No, "take our product or you'll never ever reach your fitness goals." Compared to other sites, it's simple, well done and to the point. What I really like is that all the products list ALL their ingredients, including how much of the ingredient is in there. For someone like me, who likes to track exactly what I'm taking (so I know what's working and what's not and when and what need to be increased or decreased) this is a HUGE plus. And the prices were not way over the top. They are by no means the cheapest line of products I've ever seen, but they are not even close to the most expensive either. I'm a big believer in that if you buy "cheap" products than that is exactly what you are going to receive. So I have no problems paying a bit more for quality as long as I can see that better quality is what I'm actually getting. That's why I like how honest Advocare is. By putting every ingredient on the label INCLUDING how must of it is in there, you know exactly what you are getting.

Now of course they encourage you to buy a large range of their products, what company wouldn't. But like I said before they aren't pushy about it. My trainer (he and his girlfriend are "distributors") are not pushy either. He encouraged me to try one or two products at first and then if I liked them, then I could add to it. Or not. Totally laid back about it, which I like. Nothing pushes me away from a product faster than a pushy salesman. I explained to him that I didn't want to blow a bunch of money on this, after all I'm already paying for a gym membership and training, but I was definitely getting super frustrated with my extremely slow progress. So he recommended trying 2 of the products- the 10 day cleanse and Thermoplus (to help my stagnant metabolism). The total for both, with shipping, was about $70 (that's the price of just one bottle of some of these bogus "miracle" diet pills). Since I'm already on a steady workout regiment and have a very healthy diet, he figured these two products would be the best for me at this time.

So after talking to hubby about it, I decided to try it. If I hated it, then I was only out the $70 dollars, so why not. I've definitely justified more expensive crap in the past for the same reason. I started the 10 cleanse. It natural, safe and very gentle (no rushes to bathroom lol). In fact, because I eat so healthy anyway, I really didn't feel much change. The amount of fiber in it did make me gain 2 pounds. That irritated me, but I found out other had the same issue. It was only 10 days, so I stuck with it. The cleanse has some good natural detox stuff, which helps your body start to push out some of that junk that can accumulate in your fat, making the fat burning later a little easier and safer (since you have now limited the amount of stored up toxins being released). It also has a really good probiotic in it. I LOVE probiotics and I'm real big on taking them. I will admit, this is one of the better ones I've found in a long time. The probiotics help repair any damage to your digestive system by restoring good bacteria, making absorbtion of essential vitamins and minerals more effective.

After the cleanse I started the Thermoplus. Now this is the pill that my trainer raved about the most. He's not big on "diet pills" either, but he said he saw some real changes in his clients that took it. Again, I was super skeptical at first, but I thought why not. First thing I liked, they keep it simple. There are only 5 ingredients. That's it! Not a huge laundry list of junk I can't pronounce, just 5 simple ingredients. And just like everything else, they tell you how much of each ingredient is in there. So I started taking it about a week ago and already I've seen a huge change. I've lost 3 pounds (puting my total weight loss to date at 18 pounds)! That's amazing for me!!! They don't make me jittery at all, in fact I can still take my B-complex vitamin and have my coffee and still no palpitations or shakey shakies. I do feel the boost in energy, but not in a bad "bouncing off the walls" way. I mostly feel it during my workouts and in the evening, when I usually start to feel blah and sluggish. I've also noticed that when I do a good intense workout, it doesn't wear me down as bad as it used to. At the same time, it doesn't make me feel like super woman, so I don't push myself so hard that I end up hurt. It just seems to take the edge off that post workout fatigue. Only time will tell if Thermoplus will continue to be my saving grace, but for now, the help from it is most welcome. I don't consider it to be a "miracle" pill (although that is something I've heard others refer to as). I work my butt off everyday! I just got tired of working so hard and feeling like I was just being constantly pushed back. This has helped me defeat the platuea I was stuck on for almost 2 months and has given more confidence to continue my journey to a healthier me.

So if weight and fat are my Doofenshmirtz then Thermoplus is my Perry (and I guess that would make Advocare the agency lol). I am proud of what I have accomplished so far and of how hard I have worked and I am not ashamed at all to admit I needed a little help. Sometimes we all do. Some get help through surgery or from a prescription. Some only need a trainer. And then there are those that don't need anything but a gym. I need a little extra help and I've learned that that is okay.

SIDE NOTE- I have the most amazing and supportive husband and friends! They have been there for me since day one, showing love and encouragement. They also are sure to remind me that I am beautiful and check in with me to make sure I'm doing this in a safe and healthy way. This is so so so very important to being successful with weight loss. I want to let you guys know that I do not have unrealistic expectations. I have no desire to be a size 6 or smaller (if it does happen, it will simply be because I will be lean and healthy, I have no desire to look like a skeleton). In fact, it doesn't even bother me if I never reach the single digit sizes at all. I would be perfectly happy in some size 10 jeans :). I am doing this for my health (obesity related illnesses run high in my family) and because I want to have the energy and ability to be the absolutely best mom and wife possible. Having a child with a chronic illness means that sometimes I need to be the strong one. I need to be healthy and strong, so that I can take care of my family. Thank to everyone for your love and support. You guys are my rock and I really don't know what I would do without you! Love and hugs all around!!!

Blah, Blah, Effing Blah

Ya, I forgot about the blog again. No big surprise there! It's just been a bit hectic. I'm battling the weight loss demon in an everlasting pushing-the-boulder-uphill disaster. Actually, if I was in fact pushing a boulder uphill, I would probably drop the weight a lot faster. It's a major struggle for me. I eat really well, no junk food (haven't had a french fry in months), lots of fresh fruits and veggies, low cal smoothies, well balanced meals, working out 6 or 7 days a week ( 60-90 minutes of cardio everyday and 30-60 minutes of circuit/weight training at least 3 days a week) and I'm still getting no where fast.

Mickey has been an absolute handful lately. She has gone back to fighting me on the naps and not sleeping well at night. She was doing so well for awhile, but ever since Halloween, she's been a walking nightmare. I fight with her all afternoon trying to get her to go to sleep, then she's restless all night because she didn't get as much activity. If I do let her up without her actually sleeping, she is irritable and defiant and by 5 or 6 o'clock, complete melt-down. I'm at my witts end and about ready to pull my hair out. I'm back to crying everyday because I just don't know how to help her and she is wearing me down. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on my workouts because I'm constantly thinking about having to go back home and deal with her all over again. And then the next day she wakes up cranky and usually with a fever, because she's just not getting enough sleep and we go through the cycle all over again.

And then there is all the home stuff to do. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, all the fun stuff that piles up day after day. It's never ending. I am thankful to have a wonderful husband that helps me out when he can, but M-F, it's pretty much all me and when you pile this on top of dealing with Mickey and still making sure I make time for Amee, it's pretty freaking exhausting (and of course, I don't sleep much, so that just slaps on another layer).

I know I'm pretty much whining at this point, but I've got to get it off my chest somehow. I'm tired of being fat, feeling like a failure, feeling tired, overworked and under-appreciated, feeling helpless and sometimes down-right lonely. But life marches on, although sometimes it feels it's marching right across your back.

Oops!

I forgot about my blog for a few days, lol. I swear sometimes my daughter's Fibro Fog transfers over to me. Somedays I feel lucky just to remember what my name is. My life is consumed by the needs of others. Not exactly what I dreamed about as a little girl. I've always put the needs and wants of other before my own. Old habits are hard to break. At least I've learned to take a couple of hours for myself. The gym has become my hide away, my escape. My favorite time is the 15-20 minutes I spend in the sauna. I put on my music (usually the Evanescence, sometimes the soundtrack to Alice in Wonderland; I like dark music), turn off the light, lay down, close my eyes and let myself drift into the peaceful darkness of my mind. Sometimes I think about my friends, wishing I was with them, other times I drift down memory lane and occasionally I just let my mind go blank, but thats hard to do.

It's not that I don't like my life, I'm very happy with it. I have a wonderful husband, who has a good job. I have two beautiful little girls. My friends are wonderful and my family is at least tolerable most of the time. After 20 years of my sister and I barely getting along and not having much in common, we are now close. I have a lot of good things in my life and in general, I am a happy bubbly person. But there are times, especially when I lay in bed and my thoughts travel into the realm of woulda-shoulda-coulda, I think- how did I get here. How did the young ambitious girl who dreamed of traveling the world as a marine biologist, become a stay-at-home-mom (with no career to even fall back on). What's that saying? "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." NO KIDDING!